23 Parents Describe Their Kids’ Creepy Imaginary Friends (That Are Probably Actually Demons)

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Yupppp. Just when you thought you were ready for poopy diapers and drippy noses and no sleep ever again–the REAL reason having kids is so terryfing: they are fucking creepers. A mom asked Reddit users to share the scariest thing their kids have ever said about their imaginary friends. See you at the bottom.

1. He doesn’t have a face

My son from the age of three always tells me about the “creeper man” who lives in my mom and dads bedroom. He brings it up after he visits them. I made the mistake once of asking what he looks like. My son said “Oh, he doesn’t have a face.”

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2. “You’ll get used to killing”

A parent of one of my students told us in a meeting that she was concerned because her son (7 years old) talked about an invisible ghost who would…

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Dear Jerks in my Department

Tie a knot in the rope
tryin’ to hold, tryin’ to hold,
But there’s nothing to grasp
so I let go

I think I’ve finally had enough,
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss)
You think I’m just too serious,
I think you’re full of shit

“I will breathe, I will breathe, 
I won’t worry at all
You will pay for your sins,
you’ll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why’s,
will all be crystal clear

I think that life’s too short for this,
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I’ve had enough of this,
BLOW ME (one last kiss).

Love,
me

Lyrics from “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)” by Pink

I have returned (again)

SO I was on travel for research for the past two weeks and I’ve learned some new dietary things. Example- I cannot consume the usual amount of water I do if it’s Dasani because what they put in it to purify and for taste will make me sick. Weeeee. Since I drink tons of water a day I now have to read the labels to make sure it’s just water and nothing else.
Seriously. I HAVE TO CHECK THE LABELS ON WATER TO MAKE SURE I’M JUST GETTING WATER.
1) How sad is that?
2) GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AMERICA- WATER IS WATER, THAT IS THE TASTE! NO ENHANCEMENT NEEDED. What happened to the days I could drink out of the garden hose without it  “causing cancer”?

Anyway, even with my food adventures and getting sick most fo the first week I’m maintaining around 125.5 lbs. This is not where I wanted to be and it’s about 6 pounds from where I was BUT it’s still a lower weight than last time I bounced back.

Day 3 – Tackling Sunday Dinner

Weight: 122.0 lbs

Exercise:
1) Walk 2 miles in the morning
2) Easy Sparring practice ~ half an hour
3) Walked 5 miles at night
I’ve also put up my pull up bar again and I force myseld to try one every time I pass by. My goal to beable to do some by the end of the year is going too slow…

Food
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit (52 cal)
1 cup cheerios (100 cal) w/ 1/3 cup 2% milk (44 cal)
3 strawberries (18 cal)
1 egg, boiled (102 cal)
Breakfast total: 316 cal
Next time I’m going to try 1/4 cup of milk because surprisingly 1/3 was too much

Snack
2 pieces Dove Dark chocolate w/ almonds ( 84 cal)
1 oz Pemmican Organic Original Beef Jerky (80 cal)
Snack total: 164 cals
I prefer to have my snacks under 100 cals, which it would have been if I’d spread it out.

Snack: And here is my fat self showing
12 pieces dove dark chocolate w/ almonds ( 504)
I finished the bag, but on the positive side there are no more in the house. I won’t be buying them anymore because they have soy lecthin in them

Sunday Dinner (aka late lunch, early dinner in one)
2 servings of Red Thai Curry w/ Chicken & white Jasmine rice (596 cal)
This is fairly healthy and I think has a good calorie count
Recipe here: Red Thai Curry with Chicken

Dessert:
6 Strawberries (36 cal) with 4 tbsp Nutella (400 cal)
Double the recommended Nutella serving on top of the excess chocolate earlier is a bad habit. Chocolate may be the death of me.
Nutella also has soy lecthin in it so I will not be buying that again either.
Cal Total: 436

Total calories: 2016
I would have been fine without one of the chocolate sessions. I think if I can stave off my chocolate craving until later in the day with dinner then I won’t eat as much

Day 2 Let’s Experiment

Weight: 122.5 lbs

Exercise:
1) Walk 2 miles in the morning
2) walk 4.5 miles in the afternoon
3) keep attempting pull-up/chin-up

Food
So since most meals out hit all of my calorie range, today is an experiment
Brunch
1) 1 cup raw spinach (10 cal)
Two things here: First, I’m experimenting and since most processed food makes me sick, I’m attempting to be proactive so when i have to eat out and I want something delicious I’ll have an Either time digesting it, so I’ve decided to eat a “salad” (aka raw spinach) before going out. It will help my digestion and fill me so I don’t gorge. Second, most of you can actually read, but a serving size of raw spinach is about 2 cups at it’s about 20 cal. Those bags/boxes they sell in the grocery store? THEY ARE ONE OR TWO SERIVINGS. HOW DID I NOT READ PROPERLY. So I literally can eat a bag of spinach and that is my meal!!! SO HAPPY.
2) Flying Biscuit Piedmont Omelet no onions (562 cal), 1 biscuit (216 cal), creamy dreamy grits( 221 cal), gravy(314 cal), 1 pat butter (60 cal), 1/2 tsp honey (32 cal), 1/2 tsp apple butter (30 cal)
Total Calories: 1,445
So with the butters and honey I am overestimating how much I actually had because I only had a few dabs of each and I did not finish my omelet and the gravy I had maybe 1/8 of what they gave me. I feel a little queasy but that’s most likely from the meat in the omelet and the onions in the gravy. I’m not starving and I can order something different next time that will prob add up to less calories and be easier for me to digest. But for now I’ve proven that if I go out somewhere like that, I hit my daily calorie intake for the day and if I need to later I can throw in another cup spinach for only 10 cal. We’ll see what the scale says tomorrow but I’m satisfied for now.

Well Day 1 is off to a bang up start…..

Exercise:
1)2 miles in the morning in under 35 min
2) Walk/Run for 2 hours consisting of
-walk 1.5 miles
-run 1.5 miles
-walk 1.5 miles
-run 1 mile
-walk 1 mile

Breakfast:
1 package Quaker Instant Chocolate Chip oatmeal cooked with 1 cup 2% milk (130 cal and 120 cal), 1 tbsp flaw seed (55 cal), 1/4 cup broken up pecans (206 cal), 3 sliced up strawberries (18 cal)
1 hard boiled egg (102 cals)
Calories: 631
Too high for one meal, especially breakfast, but can easily be rectified with less milk and different nuts

Snack
5 piece Dove Dark Chocolate w/ Almonds (210 calories)
a little high for a snack but when chocolate calls. Think I’ll save these for later in the day next time, since blowing 210 calories on something that small is a pain

Lunch
1/2 chicken breast seasoned with lemon zest and black pepper (139 cal)
1 celery stalk, which was going to be two but the stupid fridge was set too cold (10 cal)
1 cup raw spinach (7 cal)
Calories: 156

Snack
2 tbsp Jiff Natural creamy peanut butter (190cal)
High in cals so usually I only have 1 tbsp

Dinner
One slice of mushroom pizza (230 cal)

Snack – And here’s where I fuck up
Oreos….lots of oreos….I’m just going to assume 1,000 cal
Not only that but I forget that i cant eat lots of processed food in one day or it makes me sick, it all came back up….ugh

Threw out all the “junk” food my roomies like and had me buy because screw that.

Total Calories for the day: 2430.
I would have have 1430 without the oreos. Self loathe on top of feeling sick, ugh.
But learning experience on calories before that. Need more cals in lunch, less at breakfast and some more high volume, low cal snacks. I hope tomorrow doesnt end this bad.

I’m baaaaack

Miss me? Probably not, because I’m assuming the 3 of you who actually read this have lives.
Anywhoozle, I was down to 119.0 and the I fell off the wagon (again) so now I’m back up to 124.5 and it’s time to shame myself back into healthy.

So fun fact, rough estimate of the calories you need per day to maintain your weight is your weight times 12. This tells me two things:
1) Holy crap, I have been eating way to many calories. Example, if you weight 125, you only need 1500 cals per day, so going off of the 2000 cals a day our dear government recommends really screws up small people (like me, at 5’3″….grrrr)
2) Simple math, slowly reduce the calories by calculating the number needed to maintain goal weight. Example, my goal has been to get down to 115 by the end of the summer, that requires only 1380 cals, but so I dont starve myself accidentally, I’ll start slow, example to get back down to 119 I’m going for about 1420 cals/day

So, here we go again.
Start: 124.5
By 7/31/13, goal: 119.0 (5.5 lbs to lose)
By 8/31/13: 115.0 (9.5 lbs)

Now I hear some of you shouting “but its not the number on the scale, muscle weighs more than fat!”. Yes. I know. Trust me. BUT, also on small people 5 pounds is literally a pants size, so right now my 1/2 Aero jeans which were starting to be loose when i was at 119 are now tight and gross so back into the 3/4 jeans that i’m glad i didnt toss yet (thanksfully they are still loose). Also once I’m down to my “target” weight, and i learn how my body moves and reacts, gaining the muscle is easy (I already walk atleast 2 miles a day and I started taking karate again)

Now to meal tracking, weeee (not, ugh). Not only am i putting it here but I’m going to be smart this time and write it down in my dailiy planner so it stares me in the face.

Let’s begin.

So unless you read right off the labels (some foods dont have them, ie fruits and veggies) and you have measuring spoons/cups or a scale on hand, it’s a little hard to get it exact. So basically I read the labels when i can and google some numbers and make average estimates. I will estimate high so that I don’t accidentally go over by missing it. I will be purchasing some mesauring implements i can keep in my desk at work for now. Obviously all this is a little extreme and obsessive but I will not be doing ti forever. I’m a scientist. I need numbers and graphs and proofs that are tangible (which yes, I understand that’s wierd because I also believe in aliens, bigfoot, angels, fairies, god, etc but that’s off track from the point) so if I can do this and prove to myself the math then later i can just go oh yea, dont eat that. Also, it should make me good at eyeballing measurements.

Ok, I’m about to go work on my daily food post now, ttfn