When I asked for you help, I wanted advice.
I wanted you to do the right thing, be a good friend and distract.
I did not ask you to get in the middle.
I did not ask you to take sides.
I did not ask you to defame my character.
I am not “stupid”. Even if it was all part of your plan to help, you didn’t tell me that.
I can not read your mind.
You lied. Don’t blame me.
That’s the phrase that’s been repeating in my head for days. A constant, droning track that echoes in the back of my mind- all my fault, all my fault, all my fault.
If it’s all my fault, then there is a way I can fix it. If I take responsibility for it, then there must be something I can do about it.
If I broke it, I can fix it.
But if it’s not my fault, I can’t fix it. I can’t make it better, I can’t make it as it was.
I can try to fix it, but I don’t know how it broke. I try to restore it and the pieces break further.
“We’ll take this road until we’re back at the start yet again
And we’ll pretend that feeling rage is feeling real
But I broke it, I broke it, I broke it, didn’t I?”
- Missy Higgins, “100 Round the Bends”
So, I have not tracked my food intake though I have more foods I can’t eat. Yay. Not.
I hadn’t walked or lift weights but I have been running once a week. This month I bump it up to twice a week. I started lifting weights again and walking this week. But oddly enough before all that, I lost weight. It makes so sense.
I’ve been holding at 123.0 lbs which is a few pounds away from where I was last year, but I have no idea how I did it without exercise. Stress? Lack of food? Lord only knows.
Today the last book in The Infernal Devices trilogy by Cassandra Clare was released. I am on the waiting list at the library for it. I couldn’t afford to buy a copy and I have midterms until forever keeping me from it.
I AM 24 YEARS OLD AND I CANNOT CONTAIN MY FANGIRLING!
I NEED THIS NOW!
AND THEN I NEED SOMEONE TO SPAZ OUT WITH!
So midterms, allergies, and intolerances are all causing havoc in my life.
So I’ve been holding at around 125.5 lbs without tracking my food intake.
However, there are new additions to things that make me vomit: pasta in any form and chocolate
Weight: 126.0 lbs
Breakfast -banana, apple, tomato, power crunch bar
Lunch- chicken shwarma
Walking – 1.2 miles, 2 miles
Weight: 126.0 lbs
So nothing made me sick yesterday, which was a nice change
Breakfast- apple, banana, raisins (are these considered raw? I guess they are dried, but does that count?)
Lunch- Spinach, broccoli, red bell pepper, strawberries, and another banana
Dinner- canned chicken w/ Frank’s red hot, sprinkle of mozzerella, and power crunch bar(So I had to cave here and have some protein because i’d started shaking again earlier in the day and I’ve been feeling extra tired- I’ve gone to bed at 8pm twice so far this week)
I can hear most of you now “That’s not a cleanse! What are you doing?? VILE WOMAN, YOU LIE!” It wasn’t what I originally intended but I haven’t felt really sick in 3 days and I haven’t puked once. So that is an accomplishment. Honestly, if this works I don’t care if I stuck to the plan or not. I just want to be healthy.
To be honest thought, I liked the first day a lot, so I’m considering doing a cleanse day once a week, maybe i have it be two days or so.
Any-who, as of now it seems to be a sugar and sodium issue/processed foods issue. I definitely think once i go back to “eating normal” i’m going to stick with the insane amounts or fruit and veggies, which is basically what you should be doing anyway *duh*